I Hate Everything

I subscribe to a blog called 1000 Awesome Things. If you've never read it, I suggest you head over there. You can't leave that blog without feeling a bit uplifted.

I haven't read the entire list of awesome things that Neil Pasricha wrote, so I'm not sure if this one is mentioned (though I'd bet it is in some form or another). But something I have discovered that is just plain awesome is when you meet someone who just "gets" part of you (or when you realize someone you already know "gets" you in a way that you didn't know before).

Yesterday I took Ivy to the mall to browse and get some exercise, and we went into the bookstore. I happened to walk past this book called I Hate Everything by Matthew DiBendedetti. I just had to pick it up. I read the introduction which talked about what it's like to be a pessimist. I started laughing to myself as I read it because he had me pegged. I'm so used to feeling like people don't like my pessimism and that it's something I should change about myself. But reading even just a snippet of that book made me feel like there is another person in this world who can't help but look at the dark side of things--and maybe even revel in it sometimes. I walked out of that bookstore feeling like it was okay to be me. Like my pessimism wasn't just some mistake or character flaw, but that it's a legitimate way to exist in this world. Our society definitely encourages optimism (certainly not a bad thing), but I think sometimes it doesn't leave room for a realistic assessment of things.

I've been thinking a lot about pessimism and optimism in light of my faith. I think that most Christians circles value optimism as a more "godly" approach to the world--that we should all put on a happy face because, hey, "Jesus is Alive!" and, hey, "You're saved from eternal damnation!" But we don't give each other as much permission to say, "This just straight up sucks and I might never see the silver lining from it" And "Even if there is a silver lining, I don't think it's worth what I'm suffering and losing."

Basically I think God made optimists and pessimists for a reason. Pessimism isn't just some sad effect of the fall that us poor souls who are stricken with it must try to overcome. It's a legitimate way to look at the world. Optimists point us to God by reminding us of all the beauty and wonder and glory in this world. And pessimists point us to God by reminding us that it's all a shadow of what could and should be better. Yes, the stars are beautiful. Yes, friendship and love and family are beautiful. But, no, it's not what it could and should be. It's missing something. It's been marred by the Fall and it won't ever measure up to us pessimists until it is fully restored.



I have climbed highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like a fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
But yes I'm still running

You broke the bonds
And you loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Oh my shame
You know I believe it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I’m doing some scary things these days. Like speaking.

Ha. Yeah, I know that sounds a little strange. But for real. Somewhere between shyness and introversion, I started losing myself. It’s a tough balance for us introverts, let me assure you. Because we live in an extroverted world. I know for a fact that I often come across as a snob to people who don’t know me just because I choose not to speak (or fear chooses for me). So what am I supposed to do? Say stupid or trivial things just so I can chip into the conversation and maybe sorta control what other people think about me? Make myself appear less snobby? The answer to that is not really obvious to me.

I’ve experimented with both options. For a few years I decided to screw what everyone thought and just be quiet when I wanted to be quiet and speak when I wanted to speak. But that doesn’t work. Because 1. I would have no friends and 2. I was coming across all wrong to many people and 3. No one was listening.

Can I just go off on a little ranting tangent real quick? Here’s a tip: Don’t interrupt people. There’s nothing more frustrating to an introvert than to be interrupted. If I am putting forth the effort to speak, it means I have something I really want to say and something I think you probably want to hear and might even benefit you. I rarely speak flippantly. So do me and yourself a favor and listen without interrupting. But here’s the dilemma: Everyone interrupts. Trust me. They do. It’s how we’ve decided to do conversations. I’ve noticed that often when a group of people is talking, the only way the speaker changes is through interruption. I’m not sure any of us really know how to stop talking without someone else being at the ready to fill in the silence. And this frustrates me because I try not to interrupt people. So guess what? So-and-so is talking and I’m waiting till they are finished so that I can add my thoughts, but before that happens, whats-her-face has jumped in and interrupted so-and-so. And what gets lost? My chance to add to the conversation.

I know. Poor me.

The truth is I do it too. I’ve learned to play the game like everyone else. It’s either that or never getting heard. So you do what you gotta do. I used to just insist on not interrupting. I didn’t want to do to someone else what people do to me that hurt so much. But that just doesn’t work because then I just didn’t get to say anything.

So I guess over the past few years I’ve learned that I have to strike some balance. I can’t just cater to my introversion and shyness (which are two different things by the way) because then I’m not living life. But I can’t fake it because then I’m not being me (which is another way to not live your life).

So I’m speaking. It’s scary, honestly. And you might not even be able to tell the difference in me, but I assure you its there. Speaking because you want to and speaking because you feel like you have to are two totally different experiences. Speaking because you are staring fear in the face and speaking because you want someone to like you are two totally different experiences.



Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can’t help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It’s driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I’m beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel.

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It’s driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I’m beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found.