Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Bell's Palsy

Well, I've definitely neglected writing lately. Pregnancy will do that (to me at least). I've finally gotten some of my energy back now that I'm several weeks postpartum. Taking care of a baby certainly comes with its own kind of exhaustion, but I'm grateful to be out of the 24/7 fog that is pregnancy for me.

Only a few days after giving birth to a beautiful baby girl, I started coming down with symptoms that I only later discovered were signs of Bell's Palsy. My ear hurt really badly, and then after waking up from a nap I discovered that the left side of my face wasn't acting the same as the right. Over time, I couldn't move my cheek, eyebrow, left nostril, or left side of my lips. It was Saturday, so a trip to the ER was my only option (thankfully my nurse husband knew about Bell's Palsy so we didn't fly into a panic, thinking I was having a stroke or something). But even still, we had to make sure I was okay and not experiencing something worse. They put me on steroids and anti-virals and sent me home with a warning that my face would probably get worse before it got better. (Great!)

And it was a humbling experience, let me tell you. I couldn't drink without spilling it on myself. I had to take really small bites. If I did eat anything bigger (like a sandwich) I had to use my hand to pull my lip out of the way so that I wouldn't bite it. Over time, I developed sores all over my mouth from accidentally biting different spots. I couldn't swish water in my mouth to rinse after brushing without spraying it everywhere since I couldn't really hold my mouth completely closed. I wore my glasses everyday because I wasn't able to close my eye tightly enough to protect it if something hit it. At night, I taped it shut to make sure it didn't dry out (which makes for super-fun late-night baby feedings! :))

But really the worst part was not being able to smile. As an often shy, introverted person, I rely a lot on nonverbal communication (I became even more aware of this when I realized I didn't have my typical "tools" to communicate with--my face and smile). It's not the end of the world, but I truly feared that I may be one of the rare cases that simply don't recover fully from Bell's Palsy--that I would be half-smiling for the rest of my life. Chuck tried to console me. And everything he said was true--I probably wouldn't be that unlucky, rare case, and if I was, life would still be okay. But really those things don't matter when it's your smile and your quality of life on the line. So I was pretty crabby for weeks while I waited for any signs of life to come back to my face.

I had conflicting drives during that time. I am not much of a homebody, so I especially struggle during those first few weeks after having a baby when you're supposed to stay home with her and take it easy while you recover. I wanted to go out and see people and do things. But I also didn't want to feel self-conscious about my face. Since the recovery time for Bell's Palsy can be anywhere from a few weeks to months to years, I had to make tough choices. My inclination was to stay in and wait it out until I looked "normal" again. But on the other hand, it might be months or years before that happened. I might not have the luxury to be able to just wait it out until I felt comfortable with people seeing me. And it's not good for me to stay huddled up at home anyway. So I braved it. I hardest part was going to visit Chuck's old co-workers at the library. I didn't expect to feel as self-conscious as I did. All those people knew what I looked like normally and most of them didn't know that I had experienced Bell's Palsy. Every time I smiled, I involuntarily looked away from the person I was talking to because I didn't want them to see my goofy face. Even after making a conscious choice to not do that, I still did it repeatedly. Ugh. Shame is such a nasty feeling. It's especially hard to try to fight the feeling of shame when it hits. I knew there was nothing to feel ashamed about, but it's almost hard-wired into our brains. It was hard to walk the line between allowing myself to feel how I felt, but not to let it control what I did. (Ha! Story of our lives, right?)

Anyway, after about four weeks I started to see signs of recovery. Today, about six weeks later, I would say I'm about 95% recovered. There are small signs of the palsy, but I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who can tell at this point. What a relief! I'm so glad it wasn't something worse and that I almost fully recovered. I can't take either of those things for granted. I felt so lucky to have so many people praying for my recovery and helping me feel better about it in the meantime.

Well, I can't believe I was able to write this all out in one sitting. Ivy is at summer camp today, and sweet baby Cora is sleeping peacefully beside me. #bliss