My bird watching puts senior citizens to shame.

We saw a bird like this one in our backyard yesterday. Pretty incredible considering we live in the epitome of a suburban townhome neighborhood. We have some big trees on the outside of the neighborhood, but in the four years that we've lived here, I've never once seen a bird as "majestic" or large as this one. Pretty neat. I hope he comes back!

Judgy McJudgerton.

I was at a consignment sale a few weeks ago. Man, are those things off the chain. I don’t know what it’s like at those wedding gown stores when they have their big sales and everyone and their crazy mom comes out to fight over dresses or what. But I think I’ve had enough taste for that sort of thing just from the few times I’ve been to a kids consignment sale. Most sales will let you in early if you give a five dollar donation to charity or bring in some canned food or something. So if you’re hard-core, you can go to the sale early and get your pick of the good stuff. For people like me, who are there to get the best bargain possible, it’d defeat the purpose to pay money just to get in. So Ivy and I waited in the line out front at this particular sale to get in at the regular time. Once we make it in, you can see tons of moms who went in the extra hour early to shop. They are all lined up against the walls, drinking from their water bottles and wiping the sweat from their foreheads. They give me a forlorn look as I pass by as if to say, “I did my best. Good luck in there.” These sales get so crowded you can’t hardly move anywhere. You just have to go with the flow of bodies and look over the stuff you’re interested as you pass by. Some moms have these big old strollers and they’re taking up the whole aisle and you gotta wonder what they were thinking bringing that huge thing in there. But it’s easy for me to say, since I’ve only got Ivy to wrangle and she doesn’t usually want to wander off too far from me. Seriously though. Those sales give me enough “people time” to last me the six months it takes till the next season rolls around and the next round of consignment sales starts up again. It’s worth it though. I got Ivy nine items of clothing for $15. You can’t beat that. I used to get sad that I couldn’t buy Ivy every cute outfit I saw in the stores, but I’ve learned that all I have to do is wait, and those clothes will be at the consignment sale a year from now for a fraction of the price and in perfectly good condition. We’ve been super blessed by friends and family who give us their hand-me-down clothing for Ivy. I really just have to fill in the gaps a little here and there. So clothing Ivy is a fairly inexpensive endeavor.

Anyway, when Ivy and I were standing there in line at this particular consignment sale, there were two women standing behind us talking. I couldn’t help but overhear their conversation (they were talking to Ivy on and off during it, so I’m going to plead innocent on the eavesdropping thing :)). They were talking back and forth about this family they know who was struggling financially. Apparently, according to them, this family was making horrible financial decisions and going out to nice fancy dinners even though they can’t pay their bills. One of the ladies said, “I don’t feel sorry for her one bit. Not one bit.” After hearing a bit more of this, there was part of me that thought, yeah, we all know those people who can’t seem to get their financial life in order. And you just wish you could sit down with them and say, hey! It’s not that hard, just don’t spend more than you have. Pay your bills on time. The mess you’re in is the one you’ve created. The stress of changing your habits is far less than the stress of not being able to pay your bills and the anxiety of watching that credit card bill mount up after each month of not paying it off in full. I get it.

I’ve said before, I’m a judgmental person. It’s part of the struggle of having my personality type I think. I don’t know that I’ll ever shake it. But the past few years I’ve worked on at least trying to examine the situation when the judgmental feelings arise in me. I try to “let the defense speak.” Maybe there’s a bigger reason why these people are struggling that these ladies can’t see. Then as I stood there, I started thinking about myself. What if I was the person they were talking about? In fact, I’ve feared that many times. Since Chuck is in school and he works as a public servant (at the library), we aren’t rolling in the dough these days (which 90% of the time I’m actually pretty happy about). I’ve told friends what a struggle it is to learn to live with less. I’ve whined about not being able to buy this or that. And anytime I buy something unnecessary, I feel like I have to justify it to those around me. “Well, my mom gave me a gift card.” Or “My grandma gave me a gift of money…for HER birthday” (Because I have an awesome grandma like that.) I feel like if I don’t make it clear that the money I used to pay for it did not come out of our regular budget that people will judge me for creating my own financial struggles. And basically, I feel like that’s what I saw those women doing as they were talking about this family they knew. I so wish I had thought of it then to turn around and say (in a friendly way!) that they might not have the whole story. That I have to really watch where my money goes but that sometimes people who care about me buy me gift cards to fancy restaurants. So, yes, sometimes I have to put off buying new undershirts when mine are in desperate need of replacement because it doesn’t fit in the budget right then. But at the same time, I’m wining and dining at some fancy place. So I wish I could have told those ladies to be careful before they judge, because they might not know the whole situation. That family could have had people trying to help them out. And they just didn’t feel the persistent need (like me) to explain to anyone and everyone how they can simultaneously be struggling to "get by" and also be going to Outback for some steaks. So, I’m going to write that one down in the column marked “Why to not judge people.” As far as I can tell, that other column is still empty.

Doubt

I wrote this bit a few months ago as I was sorting out my thoughts surrounding Bell-gate. So excuse the fact that parts sound a little out of date.

The last few years have been a time of a lot of spiritual growth for me. I'm not saying I'm some spiritual giant. In fact, I think the more you actually grow, the more humble you become because you realize how totally and completely screwed up you are. At any rate, I feel like I've grown more lately in a small amount of time compared to the rest of my life where change was incremental at best (or even backwards as I went away from intimacy with God rather than toward). I think a big reason for this is that I started doubting less. And part of why I was doubting less is that I had people in my life who let me doubt. I had friends who still loved me and wanted to be with me and who were still willing to call me a Christian even though I didn't have everything figured out. I wasn't feeling like Christianity had completely adequate answers to some of the big questions I had (why is there suffering? why doesn't the church look any different than any other organization?--or worse, in some cases--and does God even care that his own church has hurt me so much?). I had a place to be allowed to doubt (I felt comfortable doubting even the most basic tenants of Christianity). I can't speak for everyone that doubts, but I know that being accepted even if I was entertaining nontraditional thoughts about my faith went a huge way towards allowing me to lay down some of my uncertainties about Christianity and God. And you know what? I went back to a lot of what I was originally taught. So no one needs to be up in arms about me temporarily questioning some basic things about Christianity. Being safe to doubt it is why I'm able to say with more certainty that I do believe it. If my doubts had been met with argumentative people, it may have turned out differently.

If you read some Christian blogs you might have heard about a controversy surrounding Rob Bell. Basically the evangelical church flew into a frenzy at the thought that Rob Bell *might* be preaching a nontraditional perspective regarding heaven and hell. Influential people like John Piper wrote him off and basically said, "If you believe this [which since the book hadn't come out yet I wonder what he thinks *this* is] then you are no longer a Christian, and I am disconnecting any ties I had with you." It just kills me to see things like this happen. I understand that Rob Bell has a greater audience and influence than I do, but I think he should be treated the same. I think in many Christian circles it is believed that questioning is bad and a symptom of straying from the faith. This couldn't be more wrong! We need to let people question. We need to let them entertain thoughts that aren't typically "traditional." We need to feel safe talking about what is really going on inside us so that those things can be addressed in the open. Instead, people get trampled on when they think things outside the ordinary or question certain aspects about Christianity. And when you get shot down for the twentieth time when you're trying to express real things that are going on  in your heart, you eventually give up and decide that Christianity is not worth pursuing (at least that's what I imagine happens to a lot of people). I don't think I realized until writing this how lucky I am that I did have people who allowed me safety during my times of doubt. It's rare for sure.

I hate to see people labeled a heretic for thinking outside the box. Church history is riddled with stories of abuse towards people who think for themselves instead of blindly following the crowd. Martin Luther. Galileo Galieli.

If we know that Christianity is the truth, then why do we feel so threatened when people question aspects of it? If it is the truth, it should be able to withstand any attacks. Why do Christians feel the need to defend God, as if he can't do it himself? And why can't we trust each other? Why can't we trust that the Holy Spirit is going to work in the hearts of our brothers and sisters and is going to bring them to a true understanding of the Gospel (if that is their honest desire)? Why do we have to elbow our way into their particular journey and point out the flaws they have in their perception of God? (And why do we assume that when we see another believe something different about God that it is *them* who is wrong and not us? That our own perception needs to change, not theirs?)

I think what I'm trying to say is this: let's all try to go a bit easier on each other, eh?