Money, money, money (Money!)

The Accord several years ago.
The snow masks the paint problem quite well.

This is one of the posts I was talking about that I never finished because either I was distracted by children or couldn't say it just right, or something or another. So it's out-of-date. We bought a new car a month ago. We still have the Accord though. Anyway, here it is:

Last post I mentioned that Ivy was at summer camp. And part of the reason for that is that Chuck's new job allows a certain amount of money per pay period to go towards childcare. As in, they give us free money to use for someone to watch our kids. Which is great because we've never been able to afford that luxury up until now because of the tight budget we were on while Chuck was in school and our choice for me to stay home and live off of one income. And it's doubly great because it can only be used on that. So I don't have to feel any guilt about using it because that's all it can be used on anyway. Otherwise, I'd feel like we needed to use any extra money on paying off student loans or our mortgage or something. 

It feels great to be able to reap some of the benefits of all the work we've done the past few years. It was hard to live on the budget we had, and it's great to now "loosen the belt" a little bit, so to speak. 

But I wanted to reflect on the things I learned over the past few years. Because as hard as it was, I'm really glad we went through it. My perspective on so many things has changed as a result of having to change our lifestyle. And I don't want to lose sight of those things as we move forward.

One thing we learned was to fix things ourselves. I've always been kind of interested in cars and since both of ours have 185,000 miles and 165,000 miles on them, we have had ample opportunity to troubleshoot all sorts of problems. We worked on the radiator, air conditioning, replaced spark plugs, air filters, batteries, radiator hoses. So thanks, the internet, for having resources with which to figure things out on our own instead of paying an arm and a leg for someone else to do it. We also learned to ask for help from our car savvy friends, which can also be another difficult thing to do, but is always worth it.

I also learned to get over myself. No, you don't need the fancy shampoo or makeup. The cheap stuff works just the same in almost every case. Shampoo has a lot less of an effect over the final outcome of your hair than the shampoo company would have you believe. Same with makeup. And a million other personal care stuff...oh, and name brand groceries.

My car ≠ my value or how cool I am. I still get to deal with this one. :) We go to church in an area that is well-to-do. And our 1998 Accord needs a new paint job, let's just leave it at that. A couple months ago, someone at church was literally gawking at our car. Like, she looked it over as she walked by, and then even while she was past us, she turned around to continue surveying the ol' beater. I wanted to like wave at her and be like, "Yes, they let people like us in here! Can you believe it?" Oh, it's a good thing I'm not a quick thinker, or I'd get myself in a lot more trouble than I do. ;) Anyway, my feelings and attachment to my car has gradually lifted and *most* of the time I'm able to differentiate who I am from the car that I drive. If only I could convince the rest of the world that this is so.

I also learned to not judge other people's purchases or belongings. I wrote in another post about how people (including myself) tend to judge people in a tough financial spot if they ever see them enjoying something good or having something that is deemed not-completely-necessary. I received plenty of gifts from generous friends and family during our tight-budget time that I'm sure people judged, not knowing where those gifts came from or not knowing that they were gifts at all. This is an ongoing struggle for me, as judging is pretty much a way of life for me. But it's something worth fighting against, because I almost never have all the facts of a situation and therefore generally have no business judging other people's actions. 

My clothing and my kid's clothing ≠ my value. Oh man, I think I came out of the womb being taught and believing that I am what I wear. But after you get over not having a huge clothing budget, it's kind of a relief. There's only so many choices in your closet; you pick one; you move on. It's freed up so much of my thought life. Have you ever been around people who intimidate you with their appearance? Like they dress so well and put so much into having their hair just so and whatnot and you just feel like a homely nerdface around them? ...just me then? :) Well, I never want to be the person who makes someone else feel like that. I hate feeling that way and I don't want people to think they are less valuable just from being around me. So I'm pretty sure I haven't been intimidating people with my appearance these days. Though being a mom, that's kind of a given. My clothing can often be equally worn around the house, gym, or as pajamas. And with a newborn, that's often how it works. Gym shorts and T-shirt...everywhere. :)

Well, maybe I'll add some more observations later, because I have a ton more, but they aren't necessarily interesting to write about. We'll see.

Barbie Girl

I've been thinking about Barbie lately. My dear sweet daughter received her first Barbie doll in the form of Disney's Rapunzel for her third birthday about a year ago. And I probably shouldn't have been surprised when a friend asked, "So...you're going to let her play with Barbies?" implying that my choice was kind of controversial and possibly a bad call. It's not a secret that Barbie is usually under fire for her unrealistic figure and her penchant for material goods. While I felt like I had already made up my mind about Barbies, my friend made me feel like maybe I needed to give Barbie a second thought, just in case I was missing something. When Ivy received several more Barbies a couple weeks ago, I realized we were entering the Barbie phase of childhood, and if I was going to have a problem with her presence in my house I needed to speak now or forever hold my peace.

I grew up with Barbies. My childhood friend and I played with Barbies pretty much every time we went to each other's houses. She had even more than I did due to the fact that she had an older sister who had grown out of hers in addition to her own collection. But that is certainly not to say that I didn't have way too many myself. And by the time my younger sister had grown out of hers, our house was seriously packed with them. I remember cleaning out the toy closet when we were older and piling all our Barbie dolls into their respective vehicles (you know, a limo, a van, an RV, a Corvette...it's normal to have that many vehicles, right?) and had a "Barbie parade" around the basement, just in honor of old times. So all this to say, I've shared many a good time with my old pal, Barbie (and Skipper and Stacey and Ken and...)

It's not much of a secret to those who know me that I'm a bit of a feminist. So I probably shouldn't be shocked when people who didn't know me as a kid are surprised that I have little issue with Barbie. Many people (usually women) complain that Barbie gives a false image of the female body. And I'm not arguing that. But that's something we as adults put onto her. It never once occurred to me as a child that Barbie was giving me a false image of what I should look like when I'm older. Why would I think that I could look like Barbie when every single woman around me, ever, looked differently than Barbie? I don't ever once remember thinking that I would or could or should look like Barbie (even being the blond haired, blue-eyed kid that I was).

Barbies do not target an age group that are concerned with body image anyway. By the time I was worried about what I looked like in the mirror, I had far outgrown playing with Barbies. And I didn't learn to be insecure about my body from Barbie. (And for that matter, I didn't learn it from magazine covers or celebrities either). I learned it from the women and men around me. I learned it from my mom, from my dad, from my aunts, uncles, teachers and friends who subtly or overtly communicated that my value is/was in what I look like. And maybe they weren't always directing it at me, in fact it rarely was, but watching people fall into the trap of believing their own value is in what they look like is probably the most powerful influence in a child being insecure herself. Would I have believed that what I look like determines my value if I hadn't been watching my own mother fall into that fallacy herself? Would Barbie alone make me think my body wasn't beautiful or good enough without the influence of others corroborating that idea?

I'm not trying to come down hard on my mother or anyone else who has influenced me that direction. The truth is, we ALL suffer from the distorted view that we are as valuable as the people around us perceive us to be (whether that comes from beauty, intelligence, charm, wealth or whatever).

I think it's easy to give Barbie and other things too much credit for distorting us when in reality we are to blame. We carry ourselves down the path of insecurity and we take others with us. It's easy to blame an outside influence like Barbie because then we don't have to look inside ourselves and acknowledge the part we play in influencing others.

Well, I could stew over whether I said this all exactly how I wanted to and end up not publishing it, or I could publish it with imperfections. "Done is better than perfect," as they say. And I will end on that.

One more thing though, here's a link to some other good thoughts about being pro-Barbie (and still remaining a feminist :))