An unsettled life.

I think I have the wrong goal in life. It’s an insidious goal that I almost didn’t even realize that I had. I keep waiting and hoping for the day when things will fall into place—when Chuck will be done with school, when my student loans are paid off, when we can afford a new car, when we can have another kid (okay, I’m fine waiting a bit longer on that ;)). But the reality is that I will never arrive in that place. As soon as one thing gets “solved” or “completed” another one will fill its place. Yeah, the mortgage might be paid off but I’ll just start worrying more about retirement or paying for Ivy’s college or fill-in-the-blank. I keep waiting and hoping and working for a moment that will probably never come.

I know this isn’t a new idea. And I’ve known its true for a while, but it just sort of occurred to me that life would actually probably suck if I really did arrive in that “place.” I mean, its boring when you don’t have anything to work towards. And the feeling of financial security is just that: a feeling. There is no such thing as security in this world. And that’s what all my striving is really rooted in. I want to know that “everything is going to be okay.” I want to know I’m not going to have to worry about money, or my marriage, or my kids’ futures. I want to know that life is going to be okay. And anytime I actually do feel that feeling, it’s just an illusion I’ve created for myself. There is nothing keeping my life from falling completely apart by any number of catastrophes. Even if I have all of my ducks in a row, there’s nothing saying it won’t all crumble under me tomorrow.

Sometimes I actually like not knowing what is going to happen. It’s makes life more exhilarating. I think the only reason I can ever feel that way (and it’s not very frequent, honestly) is because I know that in the end everything that matters really is going to be okay. That’s one of the great things I’m discovering about my faith. When you can actually trust that God is working for your good, even when bad stuff happens, it’s so much easier to just rest and be okay with it. Even when life is anything but restful, there is still a place I can be in where I’m (almost) okay with the chaos. This never made sense to me before. Other Christians would talk about this idea, and I would kind of just smile and nod. That’s great for you. It must be nice to believe God gives a crap about you and your life, I would say to myself. I’ve spent a lot of my struggles with God in that arena—mainly feeling like he had the power to change my situation but chose not to. I resented him for it. It took time for me to see that those struggles were actually worth something, and that I was much better off for having suffered through them. That maybe he actually did have my good in mind when he let me walk through the fire. Now that I have a history with God I can trust a tiny bit more that I’ll be glad that I suffered when I'm on the other side of it. I can trust a tiny bit more that God really does love me and want the best for me (and “the best” involves not letting me stay the same person, but changing me into someone who sees things the way he sees them.)

I guess this is a tiny sliver of the “peace that surpasses understanding.” Who knew?

And it's almost eerie how appropriate this song is:





Rather I chase your shadow all my life
Than be afraid of my own
I'd rather be with you
I'd rather not know
Where I'll be than
Be alone and convinced that I know

When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
And I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go
Let you turn me inside out
'Cause I know I'm not sure
About anything
But you wouldn't have it any other way

When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
And I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Spinning turning, watching burning
All my life has found its meaning
Walking, crawling, climbing, falling
All my life has found its meaning.

Credit

Life Verse

I was introduced to the idea of a "life verse" by Jon Acuff's website, Stuff Christians Like. He has a guest post on there about life verses that is pretty funny. I don't have a life verse and don't intend to procure one. But if I did, it would probably be Psalm 51...only because I go back to it over and over again.

As a side note, its pretty pathetic that only upon this reading with the intention of sharing with you, that I have realized that this particular Psalm is from David after he had been confronted by Nathan about his affair with Bathsheba. I'm not sure how that is going to alter the way I look at this verse, but it's strange that I never noticed that note in my Bible until now.

Anyway, I really like The Message's translation, so I decided I'd share it with you.

Generous in love--God, give grace!
Huge in mercy--wipe out my bad record.
Scrub away my guilt,
soak out my sins in your laundry.
I know how bad I've been;
my sins are staring me down.

You're the One I've violated, and you've seen
it all, seen the full extent of my evil.
You have all the facts before you;
whatever you decide about me is fair.
I've been out of step with you for a long time,
in the wrong since before I was born.
What you're after is truth from the inside out.
Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life.

Soak me in your laundry and I'll come clean,
scrub me and I'll have a snow-white life.
Tune me in to foot-tapping songs,
set these once-broken bones to dancing.
Don't look too close for blemishes,
give me a clean bill of health.
God, make a fresh start in me,
shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.
Don't throw me out with the trash,
or fail to breathe holiness in me.

Bring me back from gray exile,
put a fresh wind in my sails!
Give me a job teaching rebels your ways
so the lost can find their way home.
Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God,
and I'll sing anthems to your life-giving ways.
Unbutton my lips, dear God;
I'll let loose with your praise.

Going through the motions doesn't please you,
a flawless performance is nothing to you.
I learned God-worship
when my pride was shattered.
Heart-shattered lives ready for love
don't for a moment escape God's notice.

Make Zion the place you delight in,
repair Jerusalem's broken-down walls.
Then you'll get real worship from us,
acts of worship small and large,
Including all the bulls
they can heave onto your altar!

I love metaphors. (And apparently I also like linking to my own blog, since I've been doing it a lot lately ;)). I really like the laundry metaphor that The Message highlights. And the idea that God puts fresh wind in our sails. I think I like verse 15 the most though: Unbutton my lips, dear God; I'll let loose with your praise. It makes me think of a song that I really like. It's by Smalltown Poets, and it's called "No Kinder Savior". Give it a listen.

Ivy's Baptism

"Amen!"

I figured I'd update you all on a post I wrote a long time ago about Chuck and I wanting to baptize Ivy as an infant. For some reason infant baptism is a hotly-debated topic in Christian circles. It's a tradition that I was raised with. But I've also studied the different viewpoints and have come to the conclusion that I would like to maintain that tradition. But not at the expense of church unity. I disagree with the idea that "believer's baptism" is the only true baptism, but I'm not going to go to the wall for it. Too many people (ehem, Evangelicals) make a big deal out of little things, and I think that is what causes a lot of schisms in the church.

And all of this commentary is really irrelevant though, because we kind of just decided it wasn't even worth the argument with our church leaders. Maybe at a different place, at a different time, we would have had the emotional energy to confront what we think is a bit of narrow thinking. But Chuck and I have had a very challenging year, and we just didn't have it in us to go up against hundreds of years of church history.

So we baptized Ivy ourselves in the bathtub. I wish our church family could have been there to witness. I truly think that we all missed out in a way. But the important thing is that it's done. Ivy is baptized into the Church. God was there, her parents were there, and so was the Communion of Saints who came before us. 

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his.
-Romans 6:4-5

The Secret of a Happy Marriage

I definitely learned a lot about myself in college. And I still remember the very first thing I learned. The first night in the dorms my roommate and I were laying in bed talking before we fell asleep. We were asking each other all sorts of things--about family, life, living habits...you name it. She asked me one question though that for some reason caught me off guard. She asked me if I was more of a rule-follower or a rule-breaker. I had to think. I didn't want to admit it to her because I could tell she was more of a rule-breaker, but I was and still definitely am a rule-follower. Though I wasn't nearly as certain of the answer then as I am now.

My parents divorced while I was in middle school and high school (it was a long, grueling process and then there was the seemingly endless battle for custody after that...I barely remember them not being in court). By the grace of God, I hadn't given up on marriage, even after all that. I still had hope that I could get married and have a happy, healthy marriage. But I also knew well enough that marriages don't just "happen" to last a long time or "happen" to work. It takes lots of things. So I studied. Not really on purpose, but I did. I paid attention to other people's marriages, I paid attention to what my high school teachers said about it, I even read some books about it (Christian dating/marriage books are *the best*! XD). Even now, I still read articles sometimes about what pop psychology says makes a marriage "work". I didn't acknowledge it as such, but I think I was trying to find the "rules" for having a good marriage. What can I do or not do to avoid divorce? What can I do to have a happy spouse and family? None of those desires or actions are bad. I can't imagine that Chuck doesn't appreciate some of the things I learned from all that "studying".

But after watching so many marriages around me fall apart, I started to get the idea that there isn't some list of "rules" that if you follow, you will have a good marriage that doesn't end. You can be all the "right" things to the other person. You can have a great upbringing. You can devote yourself fully to the other person. You can treat the other person like you would want to be treated. And that is no guarantee of success. Sure, I think it helps. But ultimately, there is no promise that the person you love isn't going to decide to leave you or that things aren't going to go sour.

I really think its by the grace of God (given to Christians and nonChristians alike) that keeps marriages together. Think about it. It really is a miracle that ANY marriages work. Put two selfish, sinning, messed-up people together, and it's bound to get ugly. It just is. Even "good" people are going to tend towards self-preservation when push comes to shove. Even Christians who have devoted their lives to serving God completely are going to be straight up jerks sometimes. It's just the truth.

I sometimes get lulled into this false sense of security because Chuck and I get along so well. I think that of course we're gonna be fine, we respect each other and usually have the best interest of the other at heart. And I do think we've got a pretty decent shot at succeeding at this thing. But to think that somehow our success is something that I have achieved is just crazy. I didn't do everything right so that now I have a great marriage. Really, I messed up lots of times in different ways before and after meeting Chuck. But what's holding us together is the grace of God. All the good things we do for one another helps, I'm not saying it doesn't. But there just isn't a magic formula that keeps people together. It's hard work, sacrifice, and ultimately, God's goodness.




But if you are looking for some advice, this is some of the best:

The secret of a happy marriage
Maybe you should write this down
Wanna keep a love together?
The best way is to end it now
When you both know its over
Suddenly the truth comes out
You can talk about your secret passion
You can talk about your restless doubt
When theres no pretending 
Then the truth is safe to say
Start with the ending 
Get it out of the way
Now there's no defending 
No one has to win
Start with the ending 
It's the best way to begin

After you've both decided 
You were missing something that you needed
Ways that you were too short-sighted
Get easier for you to see
After all the expectations shatter on the kitchen floor
You just see another human suffering 
And you wonder what the war was for
...
So years from now you're still together, you're still telling the truth, you're singing:

Happy anniversary darling
We go back a long long time
I think about our lives together
I'm so grateful you are here in mine
And I know you'll keep on changing 
You're moving in this dance with me
I love the way we embrace the future 
And keep the past a memory.

http://cocoon.splinder.com/archive/2006-07

My White Christmas.

Okay. I bought into the knight-in-shining armor thing.

If you know me, you probably just gasped in horror because you know I am usually quite the feminist.

It’s okay. Let me explain.

I was home for Christmas a couple weeks ago, and it snowed. (!!!) It was actually a pretty big deal to me because I had been just aching for snow for what felt like years. It snows in Georgia, but nothing substantial enough to stick to the ground or, more importantly, go sledding in. I had started praying in November that it would snow in Missouri while I was there. So I was crazy excited when it started snowing Christmas Eve.

My family always celebrates Christmas Eve at my aunt’s house. Unfortunately this year I chose to use our GPS to guide us to her house instead of relying on my instincts or following my dad and sister there. Her house is on a hill and instead of approaching her house from the top of the street going down, we came in from the bottom. I hadn’t driven in serious snow in over four years so I was being extra cautious. Unfortunately that meant that once I started going up the hill I wasn’t going fast enough to have the momentum I needed to get us all the way up the hill. The tires started spinning over the snow, and the car got stuck almost sideways in the street (it was either that or drive into the neighbors lawn). My dad had already made it to the house, and I knew if anyone would know what to do it would be him. So I ran up the street and into my aunt’s house. Once word got out that my car was stuck, my sister, uncle, dad, and cousin were all out trying to help us. Caroline grabbed Ivy and took her inside. We decided the best thing to do was reverse back down the hill and drive it a few blocks over where the hill was less steep and we could approach the street from the top of the hill. The problem was that there was an intersection at the bottom of the hill so if for some reason the car wouldn’t stop as it was going down the hill, it would potentially end up careening into oncoming traffic. The thought of executing this kind of terrified me. But my dad stepped up to the plate and did it for me. And thankfully, a police officer was driving by and saw that we were stuck and offered to hold the traffic at the intersection while we reversed the car down the hill. So it all got solved rather easily when all was said and done. My dad drove it down the hill and around the corner.

I was definitely feeling the whole damsel-in-distress thing. I had no idea how to get the car up the hill and I definitely didn’t feel comfortable driving down the hill into oncoming traffic. But I knew I could run to my dad (literally this time), and he would know what to do. He came in and saved the day!

Afterwards I felt so loved and taken care of. I was so glad to have someone who could “save” me when I was in trouble. That’s the good part of the whole damsel-in-distress/knight-in-shining-armor thing.

The bad part is when it becomes a portrait of a women who is completely helpless and a man who storms the castle to rescue her and win her love and affection (oh, and she must be beautiful of course, to be worth all that trouble….I wonder how many ugly princesses are still trapped in castles to this day?)

While I don’t care for the whole woman-is-helpless aspect, I don’t think it bothers me as much as the idea that the man is storming in and saving the day so that he can then win the girl.

That’s what was so beautiful about my dad stepping in and saving the day: he’s my dad. He wasn’t doing it for any other motive than love for me. He wasn’t doing it to impress me or win me over. He was doing it because he’s my dad and cares about me (and maybe the car that he gave to me ;)). I didn’t feel like I “owed” him anything afterwards. And I didn’t have to be good enough or pretty enough to be worthy of his help. I was worthy simply by being me. That’s what the damsel-in-distress thing should be about. And, funny, it bears a striking resemblance to the way God loves us. We don’t have to be pretty or good to receive his love and deliverance. It’s there because he’s our Father and we’re his kids. And that’s all there is to it.

This one's for you, my single friends.

A song came up on Chuck's playlist this morning that got me to thinking about my single friends. It's called "Suckers" by Reel Big Fish, and it's about "all the suckers who still believe in love." Ironically I associate it in my mind with the time that Chuck and I were falling in love--or when we were still friends and not yet "boyfriend/girlfriend". I remember one specific night when Chuck was driving me and a few of our friends around downtown Chattanooga. We blared the song and sang at the top of our lungs. I think we had all been coming off of high school relationships that hadn't ended so well. Little did I know that in a few weeks from then Chuck and I would be starting a romantic relationship that challenged nearly all of my cynical ideas about love. At the time, I was definitely understanding the heart behind this song.

At first you're excited
Then you're less than delighted
By the end you wish 
That they would drop dead
It can't last
It's gone so fast. 

I think the longer you go in life without finding "The One," the easier it is to settle. The easier it is to start thinking the person you always dreamed of doesn't exist or has already found someone else. The easier it is to lower your standards and accept someone who you think is "good enough."

Don't do it!!!!

I know not everyone is going to have as easy of a time as I did finding the right person. But don't settle! If I've learned anything, it's that being alone is infinitely better than being with the wrong person (NOTE: not talking about Chuck ;)). Not having a companion can be lonely, but having someone who is supposed to be a companion but isn't is so much more isolating.

Please believe me that the right one for you is out there. There is a reason you were made the way you are, and there's someone out there who is just right for it. Don't lower your standards for anything. If I had, I might have missed out on the greatest love of my life.

New Year

I talk about Hanson a lot in this blog. 2010 was a rough year, but the awesome thing about it is that my pain drove me back to my love of music. Music is healing. And good music just gets better over time.

Obviously the first Hanson song I really liked was Mmmbop. Over the years I've heard so many people say that that song is fluffy, shallow, and akin to bubble gum. If you only listen to the chorus I guess that's what it sounds like. But that song actually really does have a deeper meaning, and it's strange to me that at 26 I can hear it and still be identifying bits of truth that it conveys.

You have so many relationships in this life
Only one or two will last
You go through all this pain and strife
Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast

So hold on to the ones who really care
In the end they'll be the only ones there
When you get old and start losing your hair
Can you tell me who will still care?

This past year was a rough one. People who I thought were permanent fixtures in my life turned out to not be after all. Obviously I don't know what the future holds, but from where I'm looking from right now, it seems like at least some of these changes this year will be permanent. It's very sad.

So I am holding on to the ones who really care. It does seem that only a handful of people are truly there for the long haul in life. So many people have come and gone in my life already, and I'm not even halfway through (I hope). I'm not trying to sound depressing or macabre because most of those people had really meaningful, positive effects on me. But they were just there for a season, and now they are gone.

It makes me stop and truly appreciate those few people who stick it out with me. Who love me despite my chronic weaknesses. Who find the good in me when it's hard to see. And who are willing to suffer with me through all that life brings. So here's a New Year's toast to you, friends. May our paths be forever crossing.