Well, I've definitely neglected writing lately. Pregnancy will do that (to me at least). I've finally gotten some of my energy back now that I'm several weeks postpartum. Taking care of a baby certainly comes with its own kind of exhaustion, but I'm grateful to be out of the 24/7 fog that is pregnancy for me.
Only a few days after giving birth to a beautiful baby girl, I started coming down with symptoms that I only later discovered were signs of Bell's Palsy. My ear hurt really badly, and then after waking up from a nap I discovered that the left side of my face wasn't acting the same as the right. Over time, I couldn't move my cheek, eyebrow, left nostril, or left side of my lips. It was Saturday, so a trip to the ER was my only option (thankfully my nurse husband knew about Bell's Palsy so we didn't fly into a panic, thinking I was having a stroke or something). But even still, we had to make sure I was okay and not experiencing something worse. They put me on steroids and anti-virals and sent me home with a warning that my face would probably get worse before it got better. (Great!)
And it was a humbling experience, let me tell you. I couldn't drink without spilling it on myself. I had to take really small bites. If I did eat anything bigger (like a sandwich) I had to use my hand to pull my lip out of the way so that I wouldn't bite it. Over time, I developed sores all over my mouth from accidentally biting different spots. I couldn't swish water in my mouth to rinse after brushing without spraying it everywhere since I couldn't really hold my mouth completely closed. I wore my glasses everyday because I wasn't able to close my eye tightly enough to protect it if something hit it. At night, I taped it shut to make sure it didn't dry out (which makes for super-fun late-night baby feedings! :))
But really the worst part was not being able to smile. As an often shy, introverted person, I rely a lot on nonverbal communication (I became even more aware of this when I realized I didn't have my typical "tools" to communicate with--my face and smile). It's not the end of the world, but I truly feared that I may be one of the rare cases that simply don't recover fully from Bell's Palsy--that I would be half-smiling for the rest of my life. Chuck tried to console me. And everything he said was true--I probably wouldn't be that unlucky, rare case, and if I was, life would still be okay. But really those things don't matter when it's your smile and your quality of life on the line. So I was pretty crabby for weeks while I waited for any signs of life to come back to my face.
I had conflicting drives during that time. I am not much of a homebody, so I especially struggle during those first few weeks after having a baby when you're supposed to stay home with her and take it easy while you recover. I wanted to go out and see people and do things. But I also didn't want to feel self-conscious about my face. Since the recovery time for Bell's Palsy can be anywhere from a few weeks to months to years, I had to make tough choices. My inclination was to stay in and wait it out until I looked "normal" again. But on the other hand, it might be months or years before that happened. I might not have the luxury to be able to just wait it out until I felt comfortable with people seeing me. And it's not good for me to stay huddled up at home anyway. So I braved it. I hardest part was going to visit Chuck's old co-workers at the library. I didn't expect to feel as self-conscious as I did. All those people knew what I looked like normally and most of them didn't know that I had experienced Bell's Palsy. Every time I smiled, I involuntarily looked away from the person I was talking to because I didn't want them to see my goofy face. Even after making a conscious choice to not do that, I still did it repeatedly. Ugh. Shame is such a nasty feeling. It's especially hard to try to fight the feeling of shame when it hits. I knew there was nothing to feel ashamed about, but it's almost hard-wired into our brains. It was hard to walk the line between allowing myself to feel how I felt, but not to let it control what I did. (Ha! Story of our lives, right?)
Anyway, after about four weeks I started to see signs of recovery. Today, about six weeks later, I would say I'm about 95% recovered. There are small signs of the palsy, but I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who can tell at this point. What a relief! I'm so glad it wasn't something worse and that I almost fully recovered. I can't take either of those things for granted. I felt so lucky to have so many people praying for my recovery and helping me feel better about it in the meantime.
Well, I can't believe I was able to write this all out in one sitting. Ivy is at summer camp today, and sweet baby Cora is sleeping peacefully beside me. #bliss
