The Secret of a Happy Marriage

I definitely learned a lot about myself in college. And I still remember the very first thing I learned. The first night in the dorms my roommate and I were laying in bed talking before we fell asleep. We were asking each other all sorts of things--about family, life, living habits...you name it. She asked me one question though that for some reason caught me off guard. She asked me if I was more of a rule-follower or a rule-breaker. I had to think. I didn't want to admit it to her because I could tell she was more of a rule-breaker, but I was and still definitely am a rule-follower. Though I wasn't nearly as certain of the answer then as I am now.

My parents divorced while I was in middle school and high school (it was a long, grueling process and then there was the seemingly endless battle for custody after that...I barely remember them not being in court). By the grace of God, I hadn't given up on marriage, even after all that. I still had hope that I could get married and have a happy, healthy marriage. But I also knew well enough that marriages don't just "happen" to last a long time or "happen" to work. It takes lots of things. So I studied. Not really on purpose, but I did. I paid attention to other people's marriages, I paid attention to what my high school teachers said about it, I even read some books about it (Christian dating/marriage books are *the best*! XD). Even now, I still read articles sometimes about what pop psychology says makes a marriage "work". I didn't acknowledge it as such, but I think I was trying to find the "rules" for having a good marriage. What can I do or not do to avoid divorce? What can I do to have a happy spouse and family? None of those desires or actions are bad. I can't imagine that Chuck doesn't appreciate some of the things I learned from all that "studying".

But after watching so many marriages around me fall apart, I started to get the idea that there isn't some list of "rules" that if you follow, you will have a good marriage that doesn't end. You can be all the "right" things to the other person. You can have a great upbringing. You can devote yourself fully to the other person. You can treat the other person like you would want to be treated. And that is no guarantee of success. Sure, I think it helps. But ultimately, there is no promise that the person you love isn't going to decide to leave you or that things aren't going to go sour.

I really think its by the grace of God (given to Christians and nonChristians alike) that keeps marriages together. Think about it. It really is a miracle that ANY marriages work. Put two selfish, sinning, messed-up people together, and it's bound to get ugly. It just is. Even "good" people are going to tend towards self-preservation when push comes to shove. Even Christians who have devoted their lives to serving God completely are going to be straight up jerks sometimes. It's just the truth.

I sometimes get lulled into this false sense of security because Chuck and I get along so well. I think that of course we're gonna be fine, we respect each other and usually have the best interest of the other at heart. And I do think we've got a pretty decent shot at succeeding at this thing. But to think that somehow our success is something that I have achieved is just crazy. I didn't do everything right so that now I have a great marriage. Really, I messed up lots of times in different ways before and after meeting Chuck. But what's holding us together is the grace of God. All the good things we do for one another helps, I'm not saying it doesn't. But there just isn't a magic formula that keeps people together. It's hard work, sacrifice, and ultimately, God's goodness.




But if you are looking for some advice, this is some of the best:

The secret of a happy marriage
Maybe you should write this down
Wanna keep a love together?
The best way is to end it now
When you both know its over
Suddenly the truth comes out
You can talk about your secret passion
You can talk about your restless doubt
When theres no pretending 
Then the truth is safe to say
Start with the ending 
Get it out of the way
Now there's no defending 
No one has to win
Start with the ending 
It's the best way to begin

After you've both decided 
You were missing something that you needed
Ways that you were too short-sighted
Get easier for you to see
After all the expectations shatter on the kitchen floor
You just see another human suffering 
And you wonder what the war was for
...
So years from now you're still together, you're still telling the truth, you're singing:

Happy anniversary darling
We go back a long long time
I think about our lives together
I'm so grateful you are here in mine
And I know you'll keep on changing 
You're moving in this dance with me
I love the way we embrace the future 
And keep the past a memory.

http://cocoon.splinder.com/archive/2006-07