An unsettled life.

I think I have the wrong goal in life. It’s an insidious goal that I almost didn’t even realize that I had. I keep waiting and hoping for the day when things will fall into place—when Chuck will be done with school, when my student loans are paid off, when we can afford a new car, when we can have another kid (okay, I’m fine waiting a bit longer on that ;)). But the reality is that I will never arrive in that place. As soon as one thing gets “solved” or “completed” another one will fill its place. Yeah, the mortgage might be paid off but I’ll just start worrying more about retirement or paying for Ivy’s college or fill-in-the-blank. I keep waiting and hoping and working for a moment that will probably never come.

I know this isn’t a new idea. And I’ve known its true for a while, but it just sort of occurred to me that life would actually probably suck if I really did arrive in that “place.” I mean, its boring when you don’t have anything to work towards. And the feeling of financial security is just that: a feeling. There is no such thing as security in this world. And that’s what all my striving is really rooted in. I want to know that “everything is going to be okay.” I want to know I’m not going to have to worry about money, or my marriage, or my kids’ futures. I want to know that life is going to be okay. And anytime I actually do feel that feeling, it’s just an illusion I’ve created for myself. There is nothing keeping my life from falling completely apart by any number of catastrophes. Even if I have all of my ducks in a row, there’s nothing saying it won’t all crumble under me tomorrow.

Sometimes I actually like not knowing what is going to happen. It’s makes life more exhilarating. I think the only reason I can ever feel that way (and it’s not very frequent, honestly) is because I know that in the end everything that matters really is going to be okay. That’s one of the great things I’m discovering about my faith. When you can actually trust that God is working for your good, even when bad stuff happens, it’s so much easier to just rest and be okay with it. Even when life is anything but restful, there is still a place I can be in where I’m (almost) okay with the chaos. This never made sense to me before. Other Christians would talk about this idea, and I would kind of just smile and nod. That’s great for you. It must be nice to believe God gives a crap about you and your life, I would say to myself. I’ve spent a lot of my struggles with God in that arena—mainly feeling like he had the power to change my situation but chose not to. I resented him for it. It took time for me to see that those struggles were actually worth something, and that I was much better off for having suffered through them. That maybe he actually did have my good in mind when he let me walk through the fire. Now that I have a history with God I can trust a tiny bit more that I’ll be glad that I suffered when I'm on the other side of it. I can trust a tiny bit more that God really does love me and want the best for me (and “the best” involves not letting me stay the same person, but changing me into someone who sees things the way he sees them.)

I guess this is a tiny sliver of the “peace that surpasses understanding.” Who knew?

And it's almost eerie how appropriate this song is:





Rather I chase your shadow all my life
Than be afraid of my own
I'd rather be with you
I'd rather not know
Where I'll be than
Be alone and convinced that I know

When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
And I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go
Let you turn me inside out
'Cause I know I'm not sure
About anything
But you wouldn't have it any other way

When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
And I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Spinning turning, watching burning
All my life has found its meaning
Walking, crawling, climbing, falling
All my life has found its meaning.

Credit