Lately

It sure has been a while since I last posted! Over three months I think. Life has been a bit rough lately. Lots of divorce-aftermath, lots of family strife, and lots of changes to the rhythm of life that I had grown accustomed to. I'm making some of my own changes too, which feels particularly refreshing during a time when so many changes are made for me.

I know that's what happens when you have relationships with people. You hand over some power to them to either protect or hurt your heart. Some protect; some hurt; most do some of both. I've been doing some artwork lately along that theme. I've been particularly drawn to Psalm 146:

 

Do not put your trust in princes, 

in human beings, who cannot save.
When their spirit departs, they return to the ground; 

on that very day their plans come to nothing.
Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob, 

whose hope is in the LORD their God.

He is the Maker of heaven and earth, 

the sea, and everything in them— 

he remains faithful forever.
He upholds the cause of the oppressed 

and gives food to the hungry.
The LORD sets prisoners free, 

the LORD gives sight to the blind,
the LORD lifts up those who are bowed down,  

the LORD loves the righteous.
The LORD watches over the foreigner 

and sustains the fatherless and the widow, 

but he frustrates the ways of the wicked.

The LORD reigns forever, 

your God, O Zion, for all generations.

Praise the LORD. 

I particularly like the part  about not putting your trust in human beings, who cannot save. I feel like this is a big lesson I've been (trying) to learn. Last summer was especially difficult for me because I felt like a lot of people (who are major players in my life) let me down when I needed their help the most. It was a really difficult time. And right now feels very similar to that time. But the good part about it is that it exposes where I am trusting in people where I could instead be trusting in God. It's amazing how much I define myself by my relationships. When my relationships suffer, my identity suffers. This is normal, and I wouldn't say it's a bad thing. But it reached fever pitch last summer. And it helped me to see how little my faith was. "Do not put your trust in human beings, who cannot save." That's what I was doing. And I think most everyone around me does the same thing. They just don't realize how much because they haven't had a lot of it stripped away as I have lately. 

It's comforting to know that, "The LORD reigns forever, for all generations," and he "sustains the fatherless". 

Pslam 10 has been another great verse to read. Here's some parts from The Message that I like:

But you know all about it

I dare to believe that the luckless

will get lucky someday in you

orphans won't be orphans forever.

The victims faint pulse picks up;

the hearts of the hopeless pump red blood

as you put your ear to their lips

orphans get parents

the homeless get homes

the reign of terror is over,

the rule of the gang lord is ended.

I've heard people say that babies/kids that grow up in orphanages probably don't ache for families because they've never known what having a family is like. I really don't think this is the case. (Just listen to this episode of This American Life--about a family raising an adopted son, especially his response when he is introduced to the idea of a birthday.) At any rate, I think my parents divorce (and later my in-laws divorce) has stripped things from me that I've been mourning deeply. You could say that I never had them to begin with (which would probably be fair in a lot of the case). But that sure doesn't stop me from being very aware of what "could have been." Now I'm certainly not an orphan, but the tad bit that I've felt along that vein (emotional abandonment in particular) makes me not even be able to comprehend the suffering of the orphan. I mean, you think you can imagine such a thing, but I assure you that you can't. Not unless you've been there. I've only been to the edge of it, and that alone was barely manageable. Living in a world where there is no one who has taken on the responsibility of caring for you (besides maybe someone working at the orphanage who has a million other kids to manage). When you realize that's not how it's supposed to be (as in the case of the orphan in the podcast), the pain is overwhelming.

Anyway, I'm probably making no sense here. It's a lot of thoughts and feelings that I've experienced over the past year or so, and summing it up in a blog post is nearly impossible.

So here's some of my recent artwork instead:

Broken Family

Blue Sky I

Blue Sky II

Deep in the wood/Where nothing is seen/A tightrope is strung to his heed/On the tightrope/Everything's bare/On the tightrope/The goal is quite clear/Don't lose yourself in your fear/To win or to lose/You're all on your own/Cause everyone must be alone. The Walk