I’m doing some scary things these days. Like speaking.

Ha. Yeah, I know that sounds a little strange. But for real. Somewhere between shyness and introversion, I started losing myself. It’s a tough balance for us introverts, let me assure you. Because we live in an extroverted world. I know for a fact that I often come across as a snob to people who don’t know me just because I choose not to speak (or fear chooses for me). So what am I supposed to do? Say stupid or trivial things just so I can chip into the conversation and maybe sorta control what other people think about me? Make myself appear less snobby? The answer to that is not really obvious to me.

I’ve experimented with both options. For a few years I decided to screw what everyone thought and just be quiet when I wanted to be quiet and speak when I wanted to speak. But that doesn’t work. Because 1. I would have no friends and 2. I was coming across all wrong to many people and 3. No one was listening.

Can I just go off on a little ranting tangent real quick? Here’s a tip: Don’t interrupt people. There’s nothing more frustrating to an introvert than to be interrupted. If I am putting forth the effort to speak, it means I have something I really want to say and something I think you probably want to hear and might even benefit you. I rarely speak flippantly. So do me and yourself a favor and listen without interrupting. But here’s the dilemma: Everyone interrupts. Trust me. They do. It’s how we’ve decided to do conversations. I’ve noticed that often when a group of people is talking, the only way the speaker changes is through interruption. I’m not sure any of us really know how to stop talking without someone else being at the ready to fill in the silence. And this frustrates me because I try not to interrupt people. So guess what? So-and-so is talking and I’m waiting till they are finished so that I can add my thoughts, but before that happens, whats-her-face has jumped in and interrupted so-and-so. And what gets lost? My chance to add to the conversation.

I know. Poor me.

The truth is I do it too. I’ve learned to play the game like everyone else. It’s either that or never getting heard. So you do what you gotta do. I used to just insist on not interrupting. I didn’t want to do to someone else what people do to me that hurt so much. But that just doesn’t work because then I just didn’t get to say anything.

So I guess over the past few years I’ve learned that I have to strike some balance. I can’t just cater to my introversion and shyness (which are two different things by the way) because then I’m not living life. But I can’t fake it because then I’m not being me (which is another way to not live your life).

So I’m speaking. It’s scary, honestly. And you might not even be able to tell the difference in me, but I assure you its there. Speaking because you want to and speaking because you feel like you have to are two totally different experiences. Speaking because you are staring fear in the face and speaking because you want someone to like you are two totally different experiences.



Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can’t help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It’s driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I’m beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel.

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It’s driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I’m beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found.